25 Douchey Things You Don’t Know You’re Doing
It’s time to find out if you’re secretly lame
BY ANDREW DANIELSJanuary 30, 2014
I never knew jean shorts were considered uncool until I got to college, where my frat brothers ribbed me for still rocking them a decade past their expiration date. It was embarrassing, but enlightening: For years, I had happily worked jorts into my regular wardrobe without hesitation.
What other social faux-pas had I blindly been committing the whole time?
Maybe you received the denim-is-dead memo long before I did. But I’ll bet you’re still following at least one of these rules from the douchebag playbook without realizing it.
Luckily, we’re here to help you flag the problem before it festers out of control. Here are 25 of the lamest things you don’t know you’re doing.
Nip them in the bud now, and we’ll be one step closer to a douche-free world.
1. YOU KEEP BABBLING ON ABOUT YOUR FANTASY TEAM.
Oh yeah, you played Steph Curry and Kevin Durant last night? Impressive foresight there, bud.
It’s hard enough to keep track of our own fake rosters. Nobody cares about yours.
2. YOU CALL PEOPLE NICKNAMES LIKE "BOSS" AND "CHAMP."
People don’t even call their bosses “boss.” You’re allowed to call The Rock “The People’s Champ,” but that’s it.
3. YOU HAVE THESE NUTS HANGING FROM THE BACK OF YOUR TRUCK.
Women think you’re compensating. Other guys want to give ‘em a swift kick.
4. YOU KEEP THE STICKERS ON YOUR FLAT-BRIMMED HAT.
We know how much it costs. We’ve been to Lids.
5. YOU BRAG ABOUT NOT HAVING CABLE.
Go ahead and save money. Just don’t make the rest of us feel bad for watching Treehouse Masters.
6. YOU GRUNT WHILE DOING ARM CURLS.
If you're a powerlifter moving some serious weight, it makes sense.
Otherwise, save the sounds for your bedroom.
7. YOU TAKE SELFIES IN THE BATHROOM.
Ever look into a man’s face after he’s dropped a load? It ain’t exactly flattering.
8. YOU TIP THE BARE MINIMUM.
In case you’re wondering why it’s taken 20 minutes to get your second drink...
9. YOU WEAR YOUR SUNGLASSES INSIDE—OR WORSE, AT NIGHT.
You’re not Jack Nicholson, and you’re (probably) not Corey Hart.
10. YOU'RE A NAMEDROPPER.
Hate to tell you, but your CEO buddy met 300 other guys at that networking event last month.
11. YOU WEAR SLEEVELESS JERSEYS TO NBA GAMES.
What, you think Coach is gonna ask you to suit up?
12. YOU KEEP EMPTY LIQUOR BOTTLES AND DISPLAY THEM LIKE TROPHIES.
Aren’t they just reminders of awful hangovers?
13. YOU TEXT DURING DATES.
Have fun watching porn on your iPhone tonight.
14. YOU GIVE SPOILERS WITHOUT WARNING.
Let us be disappointed by Homeland at our own pace, okay?
15. YOU WEAR A CELL-PHONE HOLSTER.
Oh, dude. No.
16. YOU ASK YOUR FRIENDS TO WATCH “THIS SUPER-QUICK, SUPER-FUNNY VIDEO ON YOUTUBE.”
It’s the longest, least funny video on YouTube. Guaranteed.
17. YOU SING OLD INDIE SONGS AT KARAOKE.
Drunk people don’t want The Smiths. They want Journey.
18. YOU GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE.
That’s what Dr. Phil is for.
19. YOU INSTAGRAM EVERYTHING YOU EAT.
That 37th photo of your eggs belongs in the friggin’ Louvre.
20. YOU SIGN YOUR EMAILS, "CHEERS."
$50 says you’ve never been to England.
21. YOU STILL CALL SHOTGUN.
If you want to pick the tunes, drive yourself.
22. YOU WEAR THE SHIRT OF THE BAND YOU'RE THERE TO SEE.
It’s kind of implied.
23. YOU STILL QUOTE BORAT.
Let it go. Even Sacha Baron Cohen has moved on.
24. YOU BUY JEANS WITH HOLES IN THEM.
We would have ripped ‘em up for free.
25. YOU TAKE THE LAST SLICE.
Hey, we were going to eat that!