15 Guys You Should Never Hook Up With
If he hugs you with his hand perpetually lingering on the small of your back, he's GTG.
By Carina Hsieh
Jun 20, 2017
1. The Snob
Any dude whom you feel like you'd have to lie to about your Carly Rae tickets can GTFO. If you can't be honest about your love of bad reality TV (it's good because you recognize how bad it is, OK, Jake?!) and childlike enthusiasm for slime videos, how truly honest can you be about that weird foot thing that needs to happen before you can orgasm? Find a guy who appreciates you and your presale code for what they're worth: priceless and exclusive only to Chase preferred members.
2. Ambitionless Scrub
He doesn't have a stressful job where he has to get up as early as you in the mornings but still feels totally guilt-free about inviting you over to his place to hook up, even though it means you have to wake up 40 minutes earlier just to get to work on time. Relationships are two-way streets, buddy, and late-night Ubers don't just grow on trees.
3. Performative Woke Feminist
His default Tinder picture is him at the Women's March and he really needs you to understand that he's woke. He glances at the 18-hour stubble cropping up on your legs and says, unsolicited, "I would never expect a woman to shave for me," and just leaves that in the air like thems the words every woman needs to hear before her brain short circuits and says, "Thank you," with 13 months of unreciprocated blow jobs. He's such an ally but watches really exploitative porn.
4. Weirdly Competitive Dude
Saboteur! Maybe you were in the same program at school or you know each other from work. You might think you've met your equal, but this dude always has something cutting and snarky to say about your successes while expecting nothing but support from you when he needs it (which, if he's insecure enough to be this competitive, is probably a lot.)
5. The Guy With Nothing Else Going On
He texts or Gchats you constantly. Like, his chat icon has never been orange, it's always a fluorescent, pulsing green. It's cool to want to keep a conversation going, but he literally sends three follow-up texts, a voicemail, and carrier pigeon to triple-confirm your coffee date. If you've never bailed or flaked to such an extent that your plans call for that level of micro following up, it's A Lot. You don't want to be this guy's unhealthy obsession.
6. Guy Who Makes Everything Sexual Right Out the Gate
He says you're "trouble" with a weird off-brand Dasney(TM) animated villain smile that makes you cringe when you get coffee together at 3 p.m. and always hugs you with his hands on your lower back? Maybe you're somewhat attracted to him but the sex with these guys is never as good as you think it'll be. If he's tone-deaf enough to think hugging you like that is charming ... well, you get it.
7. Your Friend's Ex
A notably bad move if he's someone she still really has feelings for or one of her Great Loves. If this dude tries minimizing your friendship or other asshattery à la Adam from Girls, move on. Especially because you know he's not going to be there for you should you ever need to, I don't know, talk about the emotional implications of risking your friendship for him.
8. Guy Who Peaked Early
Maybe he was the jock who didn't remember your name in high school or your friend's cool older brother. Either way, the dynamic of your relationship was cemented early on enough that he isn't held to the same set of standards for new adult friends. Also, guys who went through their sexual awakenings without any anxiety or awkwardness are never good in bed. Move on. Just because he was cool back home doesn't mean that's the best you can do now.
9. The Guy Who's Obsessed with His Image
Look, everyone wants to eff Chuck Bass, but he's super problematic, and you know this deep down. Men have a lot to say about women's theatrics, but for some reason, I never meet women who lie about their pasts as much as a dude with an Instagram following and a man bun. This dude is obsessed with image and women are usually just empty supporting characters in his worldview. You're there to look pretty and magically motivate him to be better but not have any autonomy.
10. Any Guy Who Thinks He Has a Say About Your Body
Don't give in, don't shave or start eating carrots and hummus unless it's something you'd want to do for yourself if left in a vacuum. And if you have any doubts about whether you're taking his comments too sensitively, just ask yourself if that's a statement you'd feel comfortable making about his body or even about a platonic friend. Odds are good that this guy is trouble.
11. Authority Figure You Wouldn't Be Attracted to in the Real World
Maybe he's a professor, a dad-adjacent family friend, whatever. Don't do it just because you think you have something to prove. Think about if you were in his shoes: Would you feel weird initiating a hookup with someone you had power over?
12. Guy Who Can't Get His Shit Together
His bedroom has nothing in it but a mattress on the floor and one of those duvet-less comforters from Target's back-to-school collection (no top sheet, obviously) and maybe a half-empty box of Swiffer refills his mom bought him from Costco, even though you physically cannot imagine this dude getting off his ass to dust something, ever. Don't worry, you definitely want to start a family with this winner.
13. Fratty Guy Obsessed with American Psycho
He doesn't get it and thinks violence against women is fine as long as it's heavily stylized. Usually named Jackson or Barrett or something non-biblical and sour with institutionalized privilege. Can be seen posting problematic memes on Facebook or commenting on his frat brothers' low-res cover photo with "looking good sirs" and swimming in loafers a size too large. You can fuck right off, Barrett. Fuck right off.
14. Guy with Nothing in His Shower but a Combo Shampoo/Conditioner, Like That's Supposed to Be Enough
Please, love yourself more than this.
15. Guy Who Starts Fights in Instagram Comments
That ... is not a good look.